Till Death do us Part

 

For most people this is a subject that they just don't talk about. Death. I wanted to write about it this one time and one time only. I am talking about planning your funeral. I asked Kim if there was anything she wanted done special at her funeral and she replied " Yeah...Could you make sure that you don't wear light colored socks with your black shoes?" I smiled and replied" And miss my last opportunity to embarrass you? Not on your life...literally"   But seriously... If you don't ever talk about it or have a will written then... anything could happen after your gone. To be honest...I think part of reason I am writing this is that I am a control freak and this is the last bit of control I will ever have....(assuming everything happens as planned). There is that possibility that my wife says "Screw you, you Bastard, I am doing things my way now" and doesn't do any of it. Either way, I would like to think of it like I am going out on my terms. :)
Truth is...I am writing this for many reasons , but one of the main reasons is so Kim and Taylor both do not have to decide on things. Its such a drag having to decide on things like what song should be played, or who should  speak at the ceremony. I mean these are things that could easily be decided before you die. Thus this Blog topic. :) Plus...as I think of something I want to add , I can come back to this and add it in if I like.
So here's how I would like it to go.(as of now)

Place: Muir Brothers Funeral Home in Lapeer.

When: When I am Damn good and ready

Time: Please make sure it is on a Sunday at 1:30 pm (Even if I have to stay in cold storage for a few extra days)...the Sunday thing is important to me. Pay extra..I don't care I want my ceremony on a Sunday.....even if its at my house in the backyard... or make it like a Billy Bobs Back Yard Barbecue Bonanza, I don't care ...I just want it on a Sunday. I want people to gather on Sunday.

1) Crying -1st thing. Nobody cries at my funeral...If somebody does....You have my permission to go slap them up side the head. (Or ask them to leave) In fact I want that written on the handout sheet that everyone gets.  "If you cry at this ceremony you will asked to leave or suffer the consequences of being slapped."

2) Music-I do not want the funeral Home music to be played during visitation...I want good music...Taylor can pick all the music out...She knows what kind of music I like.....However at some time during the ceremony..I want a really cool version of Amazing Grace on Bag pipes played. Check them out on line ..there is one that is like 2 verses long and adds harmony on the 2nd verse. (No voices...just the bag pipes) If you wanted to play one of my songs...that would be cool too...just make sure its a good one. (P.S. Make sure the music is upbeat.during the visitation days....like salsa make your feet move kinda music)

3) Officiating this ceremony will be (not sure yet)  But I want somebody who is not going to tear up and can explain that I lived this amazing life in a very funny way. I want them to go over all my many accomplishments...OK all 2 of them.(but if they want to exaggerate that's OK too. :) Hopefully by the time this is needed..I will have written my own eulogy and then all this person would have to do is read it. I have always wanted to write my own eulogy....kind of like...my last blog to everyone. But after many futile attempts of doing so..I found that its harder than I thought. We shall see. Just make sure its somebody who can hold the attention of people. If I see people are falling asleep at my service...I will be pissed.   : )

4) Closed casket...I in no way want my friends seeing me dead in a casket...hells no. I am way to vane for that. I don't want them coming up saying that I look good...because I know they are lying through there teeth. I look freaking dead...not good...There is a difference people. What they really mean when they say that is that I look good -n- dead. So yeah....I'm gonna pass on all the compliments of how wonderful I look dead lying in a casket. If my family wants to see me that's ok..just none of my friends please. (That includes Good friends) I want them to remember me the way I looked when I was alive. Put a nice big Picture on top of my casket...if you want to put a funny one up that would be really cool too.

5) Clothes.  I would like to be wearing one of Timbers Hoodies and a pair of jeans. Kim, try to pick a color that looks good on me...I know they all do but ...  :) Oh yeah and sandals for my feet...I don't ever wear sandals because I have the most hideous looking feet...but I'm dead now ..I can wear anything I want. Besides Jesus wore sandals and I can give them to him when I arrive. I am sure he needs a new pair by now.

6) In my hands I would like to be holding my cross that I carry with me everywhere. Check in my pants pockets. (Assuming I haven't lost it by then) I received this cross in the mail a couple years back from some Catholic church  and I have kept it ever since.(And I am not Catholic) I received it prior to Timbers passing so to me...its like Gods way of saying...hold on to this...you are going to need this when I take your daughter from you. (On the back of the cross it says Grace and Faith) The 2 most important things that God has shown me.

7) Story time-I by no means want (during the ceremony) people to get up and tell stories about me...I find that to be so gay...Keep your memories to yourself thank you. (That's what makes them special memories and If god wanted us to share them he would have made it happen.) :)

8) Prayer...I want 1 prayer ... one at the end. In the beginning I would like to have a moment of silence and then at the right opportune time...have somebody make a fart sound....OMG...wouldn't that be hilarious?...I cant wait to see that.
I would like my best friend Paul Sierakowski to say the ending one.(and Paul...if you cry I will smack you myself) Why you? Because I want people to hear you and see what a true man of God you are. P.S. No Farting around...pun intended.

9) Burial- Dawn Memorial....next to Timber and Mom.

10)  Graveside-I do not want to have the burial on the same day as my funeral. I only want Kim and Taylor there. Reason is.....I never understood why people want to go to the grave to see anyone put in the ground. Only sick fucks want to see that shit...lol.  That should just be a moment for immediate family members.

11) Pictures- Please do not put a collage of photos (or video) of me up. I really don't have that many good photos but I do have a really large collection of photos that if  you do put up....I will haunt you for the rest of your life.  (Nuff said) (Haha) Just the one Large Photo of me on my casket will suffice. Thanks  :)

12) The Handout- I was serious about the crying thing so please put that in there. On the cover I want a cool looking Peace sign with the words "Peace Out" on it. On the inside I really don't want any Bible quotes...I want quotes from Ianstein. Think of things that I say all the time or take some funny quotes from my blogs and put them in there. If you cant find anything funny...just write...Ianstein was a man of few words. :) On the back have a very cool picture of me too. :)

13) The Casket-so I don't have any real specifics on this but a Hunters green color will do for me...just make sure that I have enough room in the casket and it doesn't look like your trying to fit me in a kiddy casket. And I want enough room in case I wake up I can move around and live for long enough time to plan an escape...lol

P.S. Please put my cell phone in with me. (You never know) Ha

OK So that's all I have planned for now. I feel dead already....Planning your own funeral is exausting.