Monday, July 28, 2014

Life is a BEACH Sometimes


Everyone has those embarrassing stories to tell right? Lets face it...Life is just funny sometimes.
My life is no different, and there are times when you just have to laugh at yourself.
Here's my story:

I went to Beaufort SC. for a work trip. I don't normally go on a whole lot of trips for work so when I do, I like to make the most of them. (and when the company is buying...) This trip I knew I wasn't that far away from the ocean, so my plan was to get there early and make a quick road trip to swim in the ocean.
everything was going smoothly, flights were on time, got my car rental and went directly to the hotel to check in. First question I ask was...how far is the ocean from here? "Take this street here about 18 miles" the hotel clerk said. I get to my room and started to gather my stuff I would take with me. I searched frantically for my shorts only to find out that I forgot them at home. No big deal right? I will just find a store and buy some on the way. I start to travel with the directions the clerk gave me only to be turned around at one of the bridges where there was an accident. Again...no big deal...I just went and found a restaurant and had my company paid for lunch which included some of the freshest crab legs I have ever had and a nice cold beer.
So far so good...I continue on my way. I past a quite a few tourist shops but none that looked like they had any apparel suitable for swimming. That was until I saw this beachwear store about a mile from the beach. Its a good thing because I was beginning to think of what color underwear I was wearing and if they could be passed as beachwear.
I went inside and saw nothing but beachwear...friggin way cool. I saw some cool looking shorts that had some writing down the one leg...I didn't even bother to look at what it said...because it really didn't matter. Found a Large size and thought that I had finished my shopping in record time. I get to the car and thought to myself "You know what? I had better get some sun glasses too....if I'm going to the beach...I may as well look cool while I'm there. (I mean...I have been working out...right)
Anyway....I get to the beach and had to do some impromptu changing in the car.
Pants off....shirt off...underwear off....shorts on...shorts...on...WTF...I said Shorts ON dammit.
These shorts were not cooperating with my plans...yes..these shorts were like I was putting on a freaking dive suit. Tight as HELL. I tried every trick in the book to break them in and make them fit looser. I pulled and yanked them like nobodies business. I tried squatting but Hell no...these things would just not loosen up...it was like they were made of spandex or something. I was faced with a decision...go like this and hope no one notices or just go back  and get a different pair of shorts. Wait...I will just cover up in my towel.
Now where is that thing...oh @#$%#@^* I DIDN'T BRING ONE...Are you kidding me right now?
I was so mad at myself...but I finally just said , screw it...I'm going....I just don't care anymore...I don't know anyone here...I can handle the looks...the stares...Ive seen worse pictures of old men at the beach in their speedos. Did I tell you that these shorts were WHITE? I honestly think these shorts were so tight you could see my skin through them. I start walking trying not to look at anyone and found a nice litter area where no one was around....within a 50 ft radius anyway. I go directly into the water and just sit there...And I must say...it was everything I had hoped for and more...the water was warm...the sun was shining...my shorts were pinching my privates...But I just didn't care. I made it ...just like I said I was going to do.
I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I thought I had better start working my way back to shore. I was doing the crawl method and feeling around for shells in the sand...found one...a big one too...I start pulling it up to see what it looked like and all of a sudden I get this pinch on my had...SHIT...its a damn crab. I shook it off my hand and was kind of freaked out by it...not that I am afraid of crabs....just didn't know how many more were around and was unsure if I was going to step on any on my way back to shore.
So I hurriedly out of the water checking occasionally on my package to make sure it wasn't ..well you know.
I sit on the beach just wishing everyone would just leave so I could walk out with some type of dignity.
But instead...more people showed up...I hightailed it to the car.
Later I texted my wife about the incident. She laughed as well as I did about the whole event.
But it wasn't until after I get home that the real funny part happened. I was at work when I got this picture via text from her that said "Next Time PAY ATTENTION"
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