Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Starting Over Every Day

I was hesitant about blogging about this topic but I thought...what the heck...its my blog...just do it.
I just didn't want people to think that all I ever talk about is death. Its just that death happens to be a part of life...and being the Ianstein that I am...I have a theory on that. :)

 Most people have experienced a death in their family...usually a grandparent or an Aunt or Uncle...maybe even a mother or father. I have experienced all of them and more. I also lost a nephew and a daughter too. When I lost my nephew Andy in 1991 , it was the most devastating thing to happen to my family. It wasn't like losing my grandfather or my aunt or uncle. And even as tough as each of those deaths were at the time....my nephews seemed harder to cope with.

 Looking back at it all.... I never really thought about what it must have been like for my sister Felice to have gone through losing her child. I was only thinking about myself at the time. and how Andy's death affected me.  Well, until my daughter Timberly past away anyway. And at that point, I felt a bond with my sister that only people who have lost a child can share. I remember people saying to me.,.".I just cant imagine what you are going through"...and they are absolutely right...they cant. Its so different than any of the other loved ones passings. Its almost beyond personal. Its really something that you don't think can or will ever happen to you. And when it does.. its like your inner soul dies along with your child, and the emptiness you feel inside is very real and and cannot be fixed. That emptiness plays havoc on your life for awhile. Nothing....and I mean Nothing seems as important as it once was. Its like you are at Ground Zero in everything that makes you tick. You lose your zest for life. You no longer have the drive you once had. Everything is just DIFFERENT.

As much as I hated it...it seemed that I couldn't do anything about it, but start over. We all cope with death differently and they way I handle death can be (and probably is) much differently that many others.

Once it happens to you and it sinks in that you are never going to be able to see or talk with your child again, (on this earth anyway) you can move on to the next step of healing. It sounds easy...but getting to that realization is not so easy. You see....  it doesnt become a realization until much farther into the greiving process. Not until some time has gone by and that thought of "Never" starts to become more of a reality. Thats when you say to yourself..Oh ok...thats what "never" means.  This period is what I call the "post numbing period"...because you are just numb until you come to this point.

 Once here I started to realize that my life was not ever going to be the same...and since "Never" had a whole new meaning now...I needed to re-evaluate how that affects the rest of my life. Turns out it affected everything. My family, my work, my personal time, my friends...everything. When the order of importance on things change, so does your approach to those things. For example....Once you realize that work is not as important as you once thought it was...it becomes much harder to get there with the zest you had before.  Or once you realize that the argument you are having with your spouse is not that important...you tend to give in and not give a shit no more......(OK bad example...I hate losing any argument), But you know what I mean and who knew it would have had that big of an impact in those areas of my life? But it did.

 So... when I say Starting over...I mean starting over in a positive way. So often in life we put importance on things that...well...are not really that important in the overall scheme of things. For me it was like I woke up one day and my child is gone and she left a note behind for me saying....
 "Hey Dad... Life is to short to not be happy".

So I am starting to do that....emphasis on "starting". I have to remember the proverbial note that my daughter left me on a daily basis. Because life IS to short and we need reminders of that daily.
Luckily for me I have Timberly to remind me everyday that my God gives me choices...and its these choices that I make is what  determines what my impact will be on that day, not only to myself but to others. If I continue to close the world out...I cant have the impact that God wants me to have. And personally...I think God has a very Big plan in store for me. (Yeah...I'm that important )  :)

So each day I will wake knowing that I must start over. And I will not sweat the small stuff, I will not worry about the things that are not important. But what I will do each day is ....SMILE ...not because I have to...but because its the choice I make..... And also because I know that I will see Timberly again one day.  The short life I have here on this earth is nothing in comparison to heavens time. And when you know that....whats not to smile about?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Everyday Battle

I am not sure what I am feeling like today...I feel a little Hateful and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I wonder what the chances of that happening are? Sometimes I just wanna run and do stuff that is just totally not me. Something that would make people say...Ian did what? But oh no..I just couldn't do that. What would the people say?
Did you ever notice that all you have to choose from is..Good or Evil? Theres no in between part where you can be a little of each of them....a  "Goo-vil " so to speak. We all know that being Evil is not a good title to have. It means you are 1. Morally bad or wrong; wicked: an evil tyrant. 2. Causing ruin, injury, or pain; harmful,  Nobody wants to be that evil. But most people would want to be Goovil if they had the choice I think. I know I would. I would because it seems that being good just isn't that fun. But throw a little evil corruption in and BINGO you have instant fun. Being Goovil would mean that I go to church in the morning and be out partying by noon.
It just seems like being a rebel or going against the grain sometimes is a little more exciting than being predictably good. How boring is that? Not that you cant be spontaneous when your good but when your good "all the time" it becomes predictable spontaneity. And its because your limited to what you can do and still be "Good". Whereas if you throw in just a little Evil...the doors open and then not only do you have some fun, you also rid the label of "goodie two shoes" that you once had before.
I know people are generally good.  But if you had to hang out with peeps for the day...what type of peeps would they be?   Goovil peeps for sure for me.They are bad but never cross the line when they are having fun. But they do make sure they have fun at everything they do. They are the ones who are not afraid to say...Hey...I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

That's what I am feeling like to day.....Cake !!   : )

Monday, March 21, 2011

I have a Dream

I finally did it. What you say? I started running...woot woot !!  It sounds good just saying it.  Starting anything for me is always the major stepping stone. So I am super stoked about the fact that I did it.
I started on Sunday afternoon and went for a quick jaunt. (quick jaunt= run until you get really tired)
So I now know that I can run approximately 100 yards before my legs start on fire...ok it feels like it anyway.
But I did what everyone does when they reaches that point....I stopped and gasped for air. But I have noticed that once I catch my breath, I can continue running farther than I did the first time.
I have a Goal this year to run in the Bobby Crim Race. The 10 mile race.Now keep in mind that I have never ran more than a mile in my life. I keep asking myself why I want to do this...and to be honest...I have no clue. I guess its just I want to do something that I would normally never do...but I also want to put myself in a position to either push myself above my limits or quit....just to see which one I will do.
I do have this incredible respect for runners. Especially marathon runners. The dedication and just plain stupidity it takes to run a marathon is nothing less than incredible. 26 miles...are you kidding me? I cant even run 1 mile without stopping and those people run 26 non stop . And, they actually run....I jog....my version of jogging is......fast baby steps....my legs really never lift off the ground more than 2 inches...and somehow I can feel off my fat bounce towards gravity with each step. But I must push myself farther each day if I want accomplish my goal. So today I went farther than I ever have before...and I am beginning to think that I can really do this.And I am also starting to feel a little bit better about myself. Gaining weight during this winter has not done alot for my ego. So hopefully I can get that back in the process of reaching my goal.
So yes...I have a Dream...a dream of me running and being fit. Its either that or I am just Dreaming period. But I will find out in August. And you will see either a picture of me on ground wailing because I failed or you will see one of me holding my medal in my hands with a hugh smile on my face. ...Yes...I have a Dream !!!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

This is Awkward

I believe that we all have these moments in our lives that we wish we could just skip over. I am talking about the moments in our lives that we feel awkward. Why do these moments exist? To me, these moments are the worst kind of moments ever. I would take an embarrassing moment over an awkward moment any day. At least you can laugh at yourself with an embarrassing moment...but with an awkward moment all you can say is.."This is Awkward". 
Here's my Top 15  that I came up with.

1) The moment .....when you are arguing with someone and after your arguing has already attracted a crowd.... you realize that you are wrong.

2) The moment .....when someone comes up to you saying "OMG its nice to see you"...and you have no idea who this person is.

3) The moment .....you step on the elevator and someone is in there and the dead silence you hear while you are waiting to get to your level.

4) The moment .....when your getting gas and you realized that your tank is on the other side of your vehicle so you move your vehicle around to the another pump only to realize that you did the exact same thing again.

5) The moment.... when you Bump into a old friend and you ask when she is due, and she replies..."I'm not pregnant"

6) The moment....When you wave at someone...and they don't see you...but everyone else does.

7) The moment....When you stumble over nothing and you look down as if its the grounds fault.

8) The moment ...when your high five gets left hanging

9) The moment... when you say goodbye to someone and then you start walking in the same direction as they are going.

10) The moment...when you're in a meeting and you pretended you were listening and now you realize a response is required.

11) The moment....When someone says to you "Your dog is cute" and you respond "Thanks" ......and then you realize that it was a really dumb response because you had nothing to do with how cute Rico is.

12) The moment.... when your 3rd in line at the grocery store and a new line opens up and you pause to have the person in front of you go first but meanwhile some idiot from the back of the line moves in to take the spot. Now everyone else in line is pissed off.

13) The moment....when you are walking out of a store and the alarm goes off because the cashier didn't take off the security device.

14) The moment (for guys)... when your at the urinal and the guy next to you wants to chat.And while he is talking  to you he gets the bad case of the piss shivers.

15) The moment....when your watching a Movie with your mother in law and a sex scene comes on.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Yogo Yeeh Hee Who

So I got my first experience with Yoga the other night. We had a Yoga instructor come in for our Lupus support group. I was really looking forward to this because I thought it might be something I might enjoy in the future.
The instructor was a typical hot looking Yoga instructor. Slender , and looked like she could touch her toes with her elbows if she wanted, Yoga people always look like that....they also always have a wonderful smile  like this woman did.
She explained a little about what yoga is about. And soon we found ourselves trying our first position...a sitting on our butt position with our legs spread out in front of us. "Back straight" she said...I sat up and tried my best to show my good posture. I know it sounds really easy and we haven't even begun to do anything yet.....were just sitting getting ready. How hard can that be right? Well... it seemed  my back was just not having anything to do with this Yoga sitting up straight stuff...I don't think my Back has been straight since I turned 40. I guess you don't realize how far you are out of shape until you try to use muscles that aren't there anymore :) So yeah...I had to use the wall for support. No Big deal ...she said alot of beginners have that problem. That made me feel better (a little) I did the best I could with the stretching portion of it but when I reached for my toes like she said to...It dawned on me "This Hurts" ..."Alot" so I immediately changed the target from my toes to my knees...since that was as far as I could reach. "Modifying the pose" are the words the instructor used to describe what I was doing. Those are also the words I would  live by for the next hour.
Really Ian? Is this where you are at in your life right now? I asked myself.
Once I acknowledge that I am really an Old out of shape man, I grew content with what I was doing.

There were similar poses and stretches after this but they were all about the same for me....Painful !!
 The last one we did ...called the corpse position...was a fitting name since I felt dead at that moment. But I thought..."Yes, we were  finally going to get to lay down". "Finally something that is not going to hurt"....much anyway. Oops ...spoke to soon....I layed down and at this point my back was killing me.  As the instructor was using her soothing voice trying to get us to relax.....inside my head ,I was using my Angry voice saying "Hurry up ...this hurts"  I stuck with it though and by the time we got down to the lower back...the pain had subsided and I was starting to feel what few muscles I do have, finally starting to relax, Ahhhhh now this is more like it. No pain, relaxed, a hot chick talking softly to me...does it get any better than this? 
Yes it does...Perhaps next time we can get a Massage Therapist to come in, :)

On a serious note...I think I would have enjoyed it had it not hurt so much..I understand it is something that you have to practice at everyday (Just like anything you want to be good at) I Love the ideology that Yoga brings to the table...free your mind so you can think clearly. Maybe once I shake these ole bones into shape...I may just revisit this practice. Until then...I wonder whats for supper?


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Doing the White Dance

So I was looking at my last blog and saw the picture of the old man dancing  and it made me remember the last wedding reception I was at.
I remember watching the people dance and having a good time. But I also remember saying to myself...."Wow...white people can't dance"
I will say this now....I cant dance....therefore I don't. Which makes me the perfect person to criticize other fishes out of water. I seen so many people out on the dance floor that looked to me like they were so uncomfortable dancing. They seriously were painful to watch.

I watched a particular couple for awhile and I was paying close attention as to what moves he was doing. But I also noticed that he was stealing the moves from his wife. As soon as she started to do something with her hands...he would do something similar with his hands. She does a spin move..Johnny Fever does a spin move. I could tell that she knew it and I even thought I seen her chuckle to herself. It was like he was her puppet. This went on for the whole song, so I was amused.

Next song ....I see a young guy and his gal come running on the dance floor, because apparently this song  was their favorite hip hop song ever. They immediately started bumping and grinding to the rhythm of the beat, and quite well at it I must admit. But by 30 seconds into the song they were so pooped out that they went back to the lazy white people style of dancing...and still very awkward. So just when I had hope for the white man...they let me down.
There is always one guy at every reception that really thinks he is gods gift to the ladies and he wants to show off his Johnny Fever School of Dance moves that he just learned in class last week.
He tries to impress and fails every time...hes the kind of guy you almost feel sorry for because you know he is just trying to find a Lady friend who will love him for who he is.....once he figures it out himself....he may just find one  . And you are rooting for him to find the lady of his dreams in hopes that she tells him that he is not a dancer. :)

I know they are just having fun and I also know I cannot dance any better and probably worst than they do especially in the awkward department. But at least I know it and like I said before....that makes me an expert. But if you ever stop to actually watch the average white person dance, its just too comical.

I know people have gotten into dancing alot more in the last few years with shows like Dancing with the Stars and So you think you can Dance. And I for one am glad that dancers (in the true sense of the word) have a platform to showcase their talents. I used to watch So you think you can Dance and was in awe with some of the things they can do. One dance actually brought a tear to my eye. It was magical and one of the most beautiful expressions of a song I had ever seen. The talent and discipline that it takes to be a great dancer or even a really good dancer is absolutely phenomenal. They make it look so effortless and easy. The show made me realize what dancing is all about....expressions of who you are and your interpretation of a song.

And I can only assume that the average white man lacks expression because our interpretation of any song lacks feeling. The only interpretation I get from white people dancing is that we are lazy and just want to party and we don't care what people think about it. Oh...wait....That is who we are.  Maybe we are really good dancers then. :)