Today, I come to you to tell you more about my loss of my daughter.
I know I know...I miss blogging for a couple of weeks and I come back with this?
Just remember...I blog for me...not you...so there :p
And besides...You love me so I know you will read :)
Timberly June Ranshaw was born in 1988 and.she past away in May 2009.
Most of you who read my blog already know that she was diagnosed with Lupus when she was fifteen. Lupus would eventually take her from us. And for those who don't know...Lupus is a anti immune disease. (In other words...the body just starts attacking itself.)
Lupus really? Everybody knows someone with Lupus....my Mom had Lupus and she wasn't sick all the time from it. She took meds and I don't ever remember her having a flare up or not being able to move from the pain it can deliver.
"She will be fine" I told Kim when she was first diagnosed. Looking back on that statement now....I regret ever thinking that. You see, It was that thought that stayed in my head the whole time she was struggling with her lupus and it was that thought that wouldslap smack kick brutally bash me in the face on that dreadful day. I know we are not supposed to have regrets in life...but that is truly one of mine.
Timberly was in the hospital for two weeks after fighting for her life from...double pneumonia and sepsis. (Sepsis is a blood infection).
Seven has always been my favorite number but after her 7 days on the ventilator and 7 day hospital stay...I was beginning to wonder how lucky it really was. But she was better when she came out and I was so grateful. It was during her ventilator days that I also had wondered if I was wrong about that statement I made to Kim. Maybe she wont be fine.
She had another 7 days after she was out of the hospital before she past away. She had a new outlook on her life...I was happy for her and I was also thinking ...she will be fine.
She went to bed on May 19th and was coughing alot..it was around 5 am that I had heard her and her boyfriend get up and Kim saying" Get ready I am taking you in". Justin volunteered to take her and Kim said ok. And being the workaholic that I am...I didn't mind either. Lord forbid if missed a another day of work. This is where the regret begins...right here. Why didn't I go with them. WHY?
I was at work at around 6am and I remember where I was at exactly when I received the phone call.
Mr Ranshaw?
Yes, this is he.
Timberly has had some complications and you should come right away.
Is she alright?
Sir I think you should just come right away.
I was afraid to ask any more questions. These types of phone calls only happen on TV. They don't happen to me...thinking positively I was thinking...Oh no..she had to go back on the ventilator but I must admit, death was lurking in the background of my brain. I prayed for the whole 1 hr trip to the hospital.
I walked in and a person was there to greet me ...Mr. Ranshaw? she asked
Yes, I am he (I know it sounds like I am talking like Shakespeare or something...but its what I said)
Right this way sir.
I followed her.
She showed me the door to a office and opened it for me.
In there was Kim, Justin, and Justin's mom
I saw every ones eyes welled up from crying. But it didn't hit me yet.
Whats going on? I said hesitantly knowing that what I was about to hear was going to change my life for the worst.
Kim looked at me and said.... the Lord has taken Timber today.
That moment...in an instant....my life changed.
I covered my face with my hands and cried...No...this cant be happening to me.
I would wipe my eyes clear thinking I would see something different...but no.
It happened.
But wait.... I didn't say I love you when she left this morning. I didn't even kiss her good bye.
I didn't tell her how proud of her I was...I wasn't finished yet damn it. Another regret!!
Oh the regrets
I have since realized that I know (way beyond a shadow of doubt) that she knew how much I loved her. I kissed and hugged her many times before (which I cherish those memories more than ever now) And I also realized the importance of those three little words.... I Love you.
We shouldn't say those words to prove that we love people...no...proving it happens through your actions not your words. But saying it is for you and you alone. We should say it so that we don't have that regret of it not being the last words we ever said to someone.
I dont live my life in those regrets...I live my life now knowing that I never want to regret again
I know I know...I miss blogging for a couple of weeks and I come back with this?
Just remember...I blog for me...not you...so there :p
And besides...You love me so I know you will read :)
Timberly June Ranshaw was born in 1988 and.she past away in May 2009.
Most of you who read my blog already know that she was diagnosed with Lupus when she was fifteen. Lupus would eventually take her from us. And for those who don't know...Lupus is a anti immune disease. (In other words...the body just starts attacking itself.)
Lupus really? Everybody knows someone with Lupus....my Mom had Lupus and she wasn't sick all the time from it. She took meds and I don't ever remember her having a flare up or not being able to move from the pain it can deliver.
"She will be fine" I told Kim when she was first diagnosed. Looking back on that statement now....I regret ever thinking that. You see, It was that thought that stayed in my head the whole time she was struggling with her lupus and it was that thought that would
Timberly was in the hospital for two weeks after fighting for her life from...double pneumonia and sepsis. (Sepsis is a blood infection).
Seven has always been my favorite number but after her 7 days on the ventilator and 7 day hospital stay...I was beginning to wonder how lucky it really was. But she was better when she came out and I was so grateful. It was during her ventilator days that I also had wondered if I was wrong about that statement I made to Kim. Maybe she wont be fine.
She had another 7 days after she was out of the hospital before she past away. She had a new outlook on her life...I was happy for her and I was also thinking ...she will be fine.
She went to bed on May 19th and was coughing alot..it was around 5 am that I had heard her and her boyfriend get up and Kim saying" Get ready I am taking you in". Justin volunteered to take her and Kim said ok. And being the workaholic that I am...I didn't mind either. Lord forbid if missed a another day of work. This is where the regret begins...right here. Why didn't I go with them. WHY?
I was at work at around 6am and I remember where I was at exactly when I received the phone call.
Mr Ranshaw?
Yes, this is he.
Timberly has had some complications and you should come right away.
Is she alright?
Sir I think you should just come right away.
I was afraid to ask any more questions. These types of phone calls only happen on TV. They don't happen to me...thinking positively I was thinking...Oh no..she had to go back on the ventilator but I must admit, death was lurking in the background of my brain. I prayed for the whole 1 hr trip to the hospital.
I walked in and a person was there to greet me ...Mr. Ranshaw? she asked
Yes, I am he (I know it sounds like I am talking like Shakespeare or something...but its what I said)
Right this way sir.
I followed her.
She showed me the door to a office and opened it for me.
In there was Kim, Justin, and Justin's mom
I saw every ones eyes welled up from crying. But it didn't hit me yet.
Whats going on? I said hesitantly knowing that what I was about to hear was going to change my life for the worst.
Kim looked at me and said.... the Lord has taken Timber today.
That moment...in an instant....my life changed.
I covered my face with my hands and cried...No...this cant be happening to me.
I would wipe my eyes clear thinking I would see something different...but no.
It happened.
But wait.... I didn't say I love you when she left this morning. I didn't even kiss her good bye.
I didn't tell her how proud of her I was...I wasn't finished yet damn it. Another regret!!
Oh the regrets
I have since realized that I know (way beyond a shadow of doubt) that she knew how much I loved her. I kissed and hugged her many times before (which I cherish those memories more than ever now) And I also realized the importance of those three little words.... I Love you.
We shouldn't say those words to prove that we love people...no...proving it happens through your actions not your words. But saying it is for you and you alone. We should say it so that we don't have that regret of it not being the last words we ever said to someone.
I dont live my life in those regrets...I live my life now knowing that I never want to regret again
1 comment:
This is beautiful. I'm so glad I got to listen to you read this. My favorite post of yours to date. I love you so much <3
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