A Battle With No Winner

       Our daughter Timberly had a boyfriend before she had passed away. His name was Justin. He was a bright young man with a lot of potential to really make a good life for himself and her. He cared for Timberly better than most boys his age treat their girlfriends. He was there for her when she needed treatment, when she was in pain and there for her both emotionally and physically. He really cared for her. I did and always will appreciate that fact about him. He also had a wonderful sense of humor and a good heart that truly cared for people.  

       After Timbers passing he struggled a bit but eventually found his way.  He like most 20ish boys do, dabbled in alcohol and that made his mother and father worried at times. But it was when she received a phone call from an anonymous caller who said that Justin was doing Heroin….that’s when the parents put their foot down.  Now, try and put yourself in their position.  You just found out that your child is doing heroin….it’s just frightening isn’t it? What would you do?  I just couldn’t imagine what I would do if I was in their shoes. It’s embarrassing as a parent…because some how you feel like you did something wrong. And since I know both parents well, I can tell you that their home is as loving a home as you can get.  They are just a great family to be around. They ended up admitting Justin to a rehab facility and gave him all the love and support he needed to get through it.

       He finished and came out doing pretty well. He started his own business with his cousin, and was doing quite well for himself….that was until he started hanging out with his old friends again. He started using again and the downslide starts all over again. He is currently back in rehab. However this time, the mother and father did something different. They stopped being embarrassed and discovered that this is not the result of something that they did. It is something that the drug does.  They joined a group called Family against Narcotics(FAN) and learned more about this drug and what it does to the body. They also learned about enabling, and what they can do to stop it.  They also realized how lucky they are that their son is still alive. So many kids who do this drug wind up dying from an overdose from a mixture of other drugs and alcohol while doing heroin.  This drug is nothing but a dead end road.

       I was so proud that they stepped up to this and faced it head on…without the embarrassment that causes most parents to just turn the cheek.  They helped out with putting on an awareness rally last Sunday that Kim and I went on with them. We marched with our signs and posters and many people honked their horn in support. It was just a good thing to do.  We walked to the down town park and had lunch. It was also very interesting to hear the stories of some recovering addicts and also some very sad stories from people who have lost friends and family members from this most wicked drug. The rally was to raise awareness about the heroin epidemic that is reaching so many towns and cities. It is killing so many good kids.  That message cannot be said loud enough.

       I was really amazed at what I learned at this rally. I just could not imagine what it would be like for not only the parent of an addict but also the addict themselves. I can only compare the addiction to cigarettes and the additive habit that it has on somebody….but from what I learned….heroin is 100 times more addictive. One usage of heroin you will be wanting more…and more…and more. These kids don’t want to be addicts….they don’t want to die….they don’t want to hurt and embarrass their families. But they made a mistake of trying it just once…and the struggle starts there.  A kid with so much potential can go straight down the heroin ally with so much as one toke of this drug. It’s very sad and yes…it needs to be heard and a rally is only a starting point. It needs to be taught in the young schools that HEROIN IS BAD. IT WILL KILL YOU, so the kids grow up knowing this fact and they don’t have to learn the hard way.   Dealers of this drug should be put in jail for a very very very long time.  

       I would like to think that if Timber was still alive, I really don’t think this would have happened to Justin. She kept him out of harm’s way for the most part and I know she would have no part in that drug.  But the reality of it is, it can happen to anyone’s child, even your own.

Learning from Dad

       Most people would love to live on or near water. It provides many activities for the summer months and even some in the winter. When the kids were younger we would go swimming and float on tubes….until they reached the age when the discovered that turtles also live in the lake, all of a sudden it wasn’t fun for them anymore. And then all of a sudden….it wasn’t fun for me anymore either. Not because of the turtles, but just because I didn’t have anyone to do it with. I don’t think I have swum in the lake in 12 years or so. However one of the other benefits of living on a lake is the fishing. But wait…. I haven’t done much of that either….what is wrong with me? I live on a lake….and hardly ever fish it?  That just doesn’t make any sense.

       I decided it was time to “just do it” so I asked my dad to see if he wanted to go. Fortunately he said yes. So one Saturday morning I gathered the gear and off we went. I love being out there in the morning when the fog is just lifting from the lake. We did not make it out in time to see the fog lift but we did get out there at a respectable 8:00am. It is not only the best time to fish, but it is also very beautiful. I caught the first fish but it was only a small sized bass. But it was still the first fish. (at least thats what I said to myself anyway) I am not  sure why I am so competitive when it comes to …well…anything, but I guess it just makes it more funner when your trying to accomplish something. Im sure my dad could care less who caught the first, biggest, smallest, smelliest, or even the most fish, he was just out there to enjoy the day.  

       He would try all the bait in his tackle box before he caught his first fish. I on the other hand caught 4 before he caught his first…I try not to get to fancy when Im fishing…I stick to rubber worms or real worms on a bobber. I have always liked fishing with a bobber because it uses the sense of sight. And to see your bobber go under water is just exhilarating sometimes, especially on a very still water like we were fishing on. Dad finally started catching some and then another, and another. Here is one of his that he caught.

Not super huge but still a nice fish.

I caught one nice fish.

               And a few really big monsters that got away…..riiiiight !!I really enjoyed our time fishing, I remember my dad took me fishing up at Evans Lake once and I remember having a blast. I don’t remember catching many fish but I remember that I really enjoyed spending time with him. And just like then….I really enjoyed our time spent fishing on this Saturday morning as well. Sometimes it isn’t about how many fish you catch, or who caught the first fish. Sometimes its just recognizing the quality time your spending with someone and learning to enjoy it for just that. Yeah....I learned that from my Dad.  

A Man And His Cross

I thought I would tell you the story of this cross today. It may sound like I am preaching the gospel in some way but that is not the intent of this story. The story is mine and mine alone of why this particular cross is so very important to me.

It was April 09 when I received this letter in the mail. I looked at who the sender was and noticed that it was from a Catholic church somewhere I have never heard of before in Ohio. I thought it was quite odd that I would receive mail from a church that I have never attended before…and certainly one from a different state all together.  I continued to open the envelope and I find this cross inside as a gift from them. I have always been a fan of the cross symbol anyway so I thought I would keep it since I did not have one at the time. The message that came with the cross was words on God’s Love and his grace…and of course I didn’t read it all….but I scanned with my eyes and quickly and threw it away.          I remember thinking to myself, “Why would they send out such a cool thing like this to everyone…it must have cost a fortune to have them all made.” Not that it was made of real gold but I am sure I was only one of thousands who received one….right?

I carried this cross with me in my pants pocket with the intent of one day putting it on a nice gold chain or something. I was also hoping that carrying the cross with me would bring me some luck. It was a month later that my daughter passed away. Not the luck I was wishing for. But on that dreaded day as I left the hospital and sit in the car to make some dreaded phone calls to family members to give them the dreaded news, I pulled out my phone from my pants pocket and on my phone laid this cross with the words Faith and Grace faced up. I instantly grabbed the cross and prayed.

During that prayer I was crying (ok sobbing) but something happened during that prayer also that instantly changed the way I thought of what had happened to Timberly. I can’t explain it because it just happened so fast. It wasn’t that I just came to the realization or I saw something to make me think this. It was just something that I think God does to people when they need it most. And I needed it because I was about to ask god WHY?  You see, it was at that moment…I understood the meaning of both of those words, Faith and Grace.  I felt it in my whole body…hairs on my arms stood to attention, I suddenly understood that it was by the Mercy of God that Timberly had passed. Timberly would have suffered many surgeries and possibly transplant surgery as well and only God knows what other painful operations she would have had to endure. And if you understood the pain and suffering that this child went through like my family did, you would understand that it was only by God’s Grace that I was not angry about losing my daughter so early in her life. It was like God suddenly gave me understanding of his plan…it wasn’t the total plan, just an understanding of it. I know I am not explaining this well but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Its like when you have a math problem your working on and all of a sudden you realize how to solve it, a green light goes off in your head and

Faith is something that I had to cling to during this time of grieving and something I still hold on to. The faith of knowing that Timberly is not only in a better place than we can even imagine, but also knowing that she is pain free and is able to do all the things that she wasn’t  able to do while suffering from Lupus, such as dancing, running, and playing kick ball with the children.

Here’s what I believe, I believe that this cross was sent to me from God, sent to me from God with the intent that I would need it at the given time. It was like he was saying…here…”hang on to this because you will need when I take your daughter from you”.  Sent to me to remind me that God always does things for a reason and also to remind me to always have the faith that those reasons are all part of his plan.

I could write a book on how many blessings we have witnessed since Timberly has passed. But this cross was the first blessing for me and it is reminds me of what is important in life and also what is not important.  So yes…this cross is very special to me. That is why I was devastated when I lost it about 2 years ago. I searched high and low and could not find it anywhere. I’m sure you all know what it is like losing something that has meaning to you knowing that it cannot be replaced?  It hurts.

My wife went to Texas to visit Taylor a few weeks back and I received a text from her saying “Look what I found” with the picture of the cross in her hand. Happiness doesn’t even describe what I was feeling when I saw the picture. There are very few material things that I cherish and couldn’t live without but this is something that I refuse to lose again. I mean….if the house was on fire and I could only grab one thing….that would probably be the thing that I would grab. (Assuming my wife and animals were already out of the house) J 

I also believe that the reason it is so important to me is because deep down, I don’t ever want to forget about or take for granted what God has given me. The cross helps me to never forget.

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times.
Martin Luther

Left Field post.

This post comes from the place I like to call….”Left Field”  I live in a place called "Right Field" but occasionally I like to visit left field and if I can leave with my wits still intact...I will blog about it like this.

I do a really weird thing.....Ok I do many weird things but I am only going to share this one with you.

I keep a record of how many times I drop my towel in the shower.

I know...it’s weird and it bothers me.  But surely there must be others out there in the world that secretly keeps track of stupid stuff like that right? I am really not even sure why I do this....perhaps because it doesn’t happen that often. Here’s my theory….It happened to me once, the towel dropped and I was like… ”Dang it...hey I think that is the first time that ever happened to me” And the more I thought about it the more I realized that it truly was the first time that I have ever done that.  And ever since that moment….I can’t reach for my towel without thinking about how it only happened to me once.  That was back when I was in my 30s. So I think I just put that memory in my head at that time and now it is stuck there forever. That’s my theory. Or it could just be that it is a small case of OCD or something of that nature.  But either way….it happens every time I reach for the towel.  I don’t count it if it falls outside the shower as I am picking it up…I only count it if it falls in the shower I’m standing in. So I really don’t know which is weirder…the fact that I count how many times I drop my towel in the shower or the fact that I actually have rules on HOW I count it.

It happened again the other day, and I seriously think my heart skipped a beat. So now the number is 2 now…..and counting.

It doesn’t bother me that I actually dropped the towel…in fact I wouldn’t care if I dropped the thing a hundred times….what bothers me is the fact that I think about not dropping it every time I grab the towel.  I take a shower daily with the exception of maybe a twice a year or something so it’s like a daily thought for me.  I open the door to the shower and immediately the thought of “Not Dropping the Towel” pops into my head. At that moment I say to myself….”Self….can’t you go one day without thinking about that?” And every day my mind answers back…”NO …and besides, it’s too late…you already thought about it.” It gets me every time.

This is why you never want to stay in Left Field for long.....it will suck you in and make you think you belong there.