Discovery of a Badass

   


 Is it really 2013?  Its hard to believe that nearly 50 years of my life has gone by already.
What have I done in that 50 years? How have I changed ? Changed? Oh my...how I have changed!!
Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror for a long time?  I mean...until you start believing you are looking at someone else's face and body? I did that the other day and started noticing the changes that those 50 years have done to me. Immediately I saw gray...BAM...that kinda hits you hard...but also the crows feet that have developed at the sides of my eyes. And the the way my eyelids droop now....when did that start? The double chin (double used loosely...If I put my chin down it turns into a triple and I start to look like the Jabba the Hut) I also now have hairs growing on my ears that weren't there before. I also have the grey hairs in my eyebrows that used to be a beautiful bushy black.
But those changes only on my head.

       When I backed up from the mirror a bit...I was even more shocked when I noticed the age spots on my shoulders...I mean....what the hell are those and why do they show up now? Oh yeah...I guess that's why they call them age spots...because you get one for every year old you are. Cruel little things they are. And speaking of cruel....as if having gray hair on your head wasn't enough proof that your old...you also get gray chest hairs too...Holy crap...like I needed that reminder. As if the protruding belly wasn't enough to diminish ones hope of ever being a male model.(not that I wanted to be a male model...I'm just saying I couldn't be even if I did want to be one...we clear?)Anyway... I stared and stared until I noticed something even more alarming. This discovery was almost enough to make me want to re-think my News Years resolution.(just for the record...I didn't make one) I immediately called my wife to come in and verify..."Kim... come here quickly" She come running in as if I had fallen and couldn't get back up. "Where did my ass go? It was here last time I looked. Seriously...where did it go?  She looked at me as if I was old or something and said: "You seriously called me in here to look at your ass"? "No" I said..."I called you in here to tell me where it went because I want it back....no wonder I am constantly pulling my pants up." And then she said it...those words that will stick with me the rest of my life... she said " That's what happens when you get old !!"
Really? So I'm not ever going to get my ass back? I never had to worry about my ass crack showing...but now I will have to worry about it the rest of my life. Ugh !!! I have dealt with many a disappointments in my life...but never one with such impact on me. I can handle the gray hairs and little extra belly fat and even the hairs that pop up where they don't belong....but No ASS??????


       I am just now starting to come to grips about my lack of ass. I am sure going to miss it. I have thought of different ways to get it back....Butt implants, Brazilian Butt Videos, I even thought about putting a picture of my ass on milk cartons and ask everyone if they have seen this ass. But I know those will not even work...I must realize that my body will never be the same again and just grow old gracefully...like most people do. (Right?)

       Now I understand why you start to think you are actually looking at someone different if you stare at yourself in the mirror for a long time....Hey maybe it really was and it wasn't really my body at all...maybe I should go look again..........Damn.