I Had a Dream

So lately , I have been having a hard time sleeping, and I cant understand why. I have been working alot longer than I really should....I have been watching TV later than normal....and I even finished one book and started another and I still have a hard time sleeping. And as annoying as not getting enough sleep is.....something very exciting happened to me the other night......I had a dream !!

When I say "I had a Dream"....imagine me saying it like MLK saying his "I have a Dream" speech....because it was just as historical !!
You see, I rarely ever dream...and I am not exgarratting when I say that...I just dont do it that often. If I do it subconsciencely...I never ever remember them...ever. When I do dream they are usually vivid dreams and I can usually remember them well. This dream is no exception. And this is why it is so special:

I have only had one dream of Timberly since she passed. Now...its two!!  As most dreams are...some of the details are a bit fuzzy..and it wasnt a long dream...just a good one. I remember dancing around in some sort of circle dance. ( Thats when I first knew it was a dream...cuz I do not Dance ...let alone it a circle in some sort of Hokey Pokey go round) But as I came around the circle one time...I saw Timber sitting in (of all things) a highchair (yeah like the kid kind) She was smaller than her normal size and she looked to be about 11 or 12 years old (body wise)  But her face seemed normal except for the fact that she had food around her mouth(it looked like dried baby food...lol) But it was still cute as hell. And when I saw her...I reached out my arms and she reached out her arms  and I remember saying...Have I told you how much I Love you? And I gave her the Biggest hug I have ever gave anyone. (I think at that moment...I thought I was in heaven) But just then...some man with black hair (I didnt see his face) grabbed Timbers shoulder and I remember the scared look on her face. At that moment...I asked her...Has that man ever touched you? (meaning unappropriately) And then I woke up. I soooo did not want to....but with good dreams you never want to wake up. :(  I did not understand the whole thing with the guy...but all I could think about was the beautiful Hug that I gave my baby girl. It was so surreal that I couldnt believe that it happened...I could have held on to her forever. I have thought about the day when I will see her again and be able to hug her and tell her how much I missed and Love her. And to be able to hug her even in a dream...it was seriously a dream come true!!

The next day....it was all I could think about. I HUGGED TIMBER !! And I still hang on to that memory today....its a memory that I hope I hang on to till the day I die. Which might not be for long if I dont start getting some darn sleep :)

Birds and Babies

So I had this Bird who was laying on a nest at the end of my driveway earlier this year. I went out to get the mail one day  and saw this Killdeer (Not sure of the spelling) and she ran from her nest and started to dance frantically in the middle of the road and I was in awe of what this bird would do in order to keep my attention on her instead of the eggs that she was laying on. She would spin in circles and spread one of her wings out as far as it would span and she would squeal as loud as she could. It was really quite a show. But being the inquisitive man that I am...I wanted to see the eggs. And to no surprise, the mother really didn't want me within the city limits to her eggs. She came darting at me with that sharp beak and then run away when I would move toward her (maybe it was away from her....I do have a tendency to exaggerate my manhood). However...after many many times of checking up on the nest and getting the mail and taking the garbage out...she learned that I was not going harm her or her eggs. She actually let me get pretty close (5 -6 feet) before she would run and do her broken wing dance.

Day after day she would sit on her eggs. Only leaving to get a bite to eat and then returning. Day and night, rain or shine she would sit there keeping her eggs at just the right temperature. I remember looking out the window one day when it was just pouring down rain and I was amazed that she was still there.

It reminded me of what mothers go through for nine months. I have always had this cringe that comes over me when I think of a mother giving birth. I know its a natural blessing that God gave the women to endure. However....to me....its just doesn't seem possible that such a BIG thing should come out of such a small opening. I am so thankful that Kim was such a trooper in the delivery room when both our daughter were born. And I am even more happy I didn't look until the head popped out and my brain only allowed my eyes to focused on the head and not the opening. I remember thinking...OMG shes got a hugh head when Taylor popped out. But at that moment.... my eyes welled up with tears. I was filled with joy and could not have been more prouder at that moment. When  we decided to have another child...I was all for it... for two reasons...one...I wanted a son (did it REALLY matter?...NO) but I did want a boy...and I was so convinced that Kim was going to have a boy...I had boy names picked out and was all set on that aspect.In fact I didn't even think about picking out a girls name. And the second reason, was that I was tired of using protection. (Rubbers suck) And the pull out method always ended in a small disappointment. :( So when it came time for the baby to come out...doctor pulls Timberly out and says...Its a Girl !!!  At that moment I cried....I wasn't sure if I was crying because its such a emotional moment or because of the words the doctor said. I think it was a little of both....but both children being born were the two most memorable moments of my life. And the fact that their mother nurtured and cared for these babies for nine months each time so that they are healthy and ready for birth....simply puts me in awe of any mother. Just like the bird who sat on her eggs for 49 days straight...the mother is willing to do anything so that their children can be born.  So to all you Mothers out there...I bow to your unselfish, heroic ability to birth children. Even though I cringe at the very thought of all that Pain ....
OUCH (what can I say....I'm a man)

Procrastinating Thoughts

I have to apologize for not posting very often. (Here comes the excuses) Actually I am going to use the only excuse that I have.....I'm Lazy.....There I said it...now you know. I could have wrote something but in my head I have justified not writing with ideas like..".I have just been too busy to write" And in all actuality I just blew it off and watched America has Talent on the Boob Tube. Or I will do what I do best...Procrastinate...I have this down to a science now. I have been doing it for many years now and I am serious when I say that I could make a college course from the knowledge I have on the subject. Its either that or sarcasm...I think I could teach a class or to on that subject too.
Here's a couple things that have been happening in my life that is worth mentioning. First is the Taylor has FINALLY graduated from Western Michigan University...and I could not be any happier or prouder.I always told her that I did not care how long she took to do it ...I just never thought she would test me on it. :)  She has a wonderful job in her Telecommunications Field,  that she likes and just got a nice promotion in the last week....so I am very Proud of her for sticking to it and getting it done and I am Happy because she can now start paying some of her own bills. :)
The other really exciting thing happening is that Kim and I have started a outdoor project. We will redo our over grown back yard landscape project from 10 years ago (its only overgrown because I have been so busy.....Not!! ) but we will be putting a garden next year....this year we will just get it all ready and will be putting in raised boxes so it  wont be so hard on our backs bending over to pick all the delicious vegetables that we will be growing. That  is only one of the projects that I have to get done this year, others include making a dock with my neighbor and another is putting down that yucky black stuff on the driveway (can you tell my dislike for this job?) Seems like every time I do it I end up ruining my shoes , pants and shirt and I really think I hate it more than I hate painting.
I know I am rambling but I was watching Americas Got Talent and they had this sword swallowing female on there and she said something very funny...she said she thinks that her talent his hereditary...Now all I could think was...Hmmm I wonder what your Mother did for a living? Prostitute? I mean really...the ability to swallow a sword is definitely not hereditary....I am pretty sure you have to learn how to do that...and in spite of the fact that this girl looked like a man with hooters....I am sure she has the ability to make her man (if she has one) very happy.

Ok I'm back now from that tangent...sorry where was I? Oh yeah I was diverting myself from making something to eat...I'm starving. I really want to lose weight before the Grim Crim race in August. My hope is that it will be easier if I am lighter. Its kind of like thinking that you can run faster with a new pair of tennis shoes. (Which I still think every time I buy a new pair) But I think I am going to need every advantage I can get just to finish the dang event. I just realized that I am procrastinating going to bed. So I think I will call it a night. Night

Like Father.... Like Son

You look just like your Father....I hear it all the time. And its true....I do. I have his hair, smile, and natural good looks (Yes...I just said that) We even have the same sense of humor. However....There is this one thing  that I hope I didn't inherit from him. The ability to say"I'm proud of you" to my kids.And this is why I wrote this....please keep in mind that I Love my Dad very much....he dedicated his life to raising six kids after my mother left when I was twelve. So I don't want this to sound that I don't Love and appreciate who he is and what he has done for me. Nuff said!!!!

My Dad

 I had heard that my Dad didn't really care for my Blog. My immediate reaction was that I don't write it my blog because I want his approval. However, my next reaction was....what didn't he like about it? Huh?...I didn't want his approval but I want to know his thoughts on it? Hmmm..maybe I did want it. But it made me think if I ever really had my Dads approval on anything I have done in my life. I cant really think of I time when I ever had heard him say how Proud he was of me. Isn't that our goal in life....to make our parents proud? It kinda is...I think...and to grow up your whole life trying to prove something to people that you seek it from...can put you on the dysfunctional side of living.
(I have mastered that part of life.)
 But it starts with the things that you say....you will look at them for their approval. Then it slowly moves into to actions....and the next thing you know you are living your whole life hoping you get someones approval....only to find out that its not there.
I don't want to make my dad out to be some sort of non caring father who never gave a shit about his kids and never supported them....that's not what I am saying at all. My father was a very supportive man and would always give a word of advice or encouragement to any of us kids when he thought we needed it. He went to my wrestling matches and football games...I might have even seen him at a track meet once or twice. I wonder if I had went pro in football or made it big with singing if I would have heard those six words from him then?  My point to all this is....Why do I search out his approval all the time? He is not the kind of guy who would bluntly come out and say it anyway...he would say something like...that was really nice, or Good Job son ....something else but never..."I am so proud of you son".
I remember when I would sing at events like weddings or a baptism for a niece or nephew....My dad would say something about the song like..."Yeah...I could really understand every word you sang"....wow dad...Thanks I was hoping for a "That was Great Son"...or "I am so proud of you...you were Fantastic". instead I really just felt like saying....wow Dad...did you get a new hearing aid? (No he don't wear one...but at the time.,..I wished he did.)

My biggest Fear is that I might treat my own daughter the same way.I just hope that my daughter never feels like that. I hope that she always knows that I am proud of her....she doesn't have to become anything , or do anything spectacular....except be herself. Always wanting approval is such a bad thing. You can miss out on some important things in your Life....like satisfaction and Pride You should live your life with a drive to be your best...that's right...YOUR best. And if you do that...you shouldn't need any ones approval except your own. Maybe that's it...I don't need my Dads approval as much as I just wanted it. I know he Loves me and that is enough for me.