Gods Plan

So I have been freaking out lately. I know what your thinking....."So what Ian...you do that all the time." And I say to you..".Kiss it"  :)  But I was seriously freaking out about Timbers Lupus walk next Month. We hadn't found a caterer  and it just seems like we have been putting the planning portion of this event off until the last minute.(But really we have just been so darn busy...I swear) But me being the planner that I am...(.seriously I am) I need to know whats going to happen and when its going to happen and who's going to do it. I am talking right down to who's bringing the garbage bags for clean up? And your probably thinking I am a control freak....and you would be wrong (Kinda)...I just like to know the details...the ones that most people forget.
So as I was freaking out to Kim about all this while reading all the stipulations and regulations that it would require if we were to get our own temporary food permit. And of course my voice was becoming louder the longer I was talking. And by the time I was done ranting...Kim was totally ignoring me at this point. (Insert needle going across the record noise here) Because the communication was over. So we were both a little frustrated...me because I had no clue why I was yelling at Kim and Kim because I was yelling at her for no apparent reason. (Like that's never happened before...lol )

So next day....Our friend Margo who works in the Emergency room called us. She said she was in a room with a patient and she heard Timberlys name mentioned. She looked back at the patient and said "Timberly Ranshaw?" And the patient replied "yes" "She has been on my mind the last few days"
After the introductions and explanations, it was discovered that this women and her daughter knew Timberly. We did not know then at all. (And if you know Kim....you would also know that she knows everybody.) However....the best part of this is that this person has a catering business and volunteered to to the cooking. Prayer answered !!

Now, of course I know how much God plays a part in our lives and I also know he puts people in the right places at just the perfect time, but its still so amazing to witness his perfection. I also cant help but take pleasure in knowing that Timber played a important role in Gods plan. 

The Wish Bucket

We all have things that we want to do before we die....I just happen to have a few too. But remember... its a wish/goal list......not a must do list. If it was a Must -do list...it would be a very short list because I hate having stuff that I HAVE to do, but give me a choice on what to do....look out, the list could go on a long time. :)

1. Go to a Superbowl  (This was on Timbers Bucket list and I always thought that I could do that for her one day.)
2. Own a Boat...(one without oars)
3. Go Elk Hunting
4. Record a duet with Taylor in a studio.
5. Go on a one week ski trip
6. Retire (Yeah,,,this should be on my dream list)
7. Go on another cruise with my wife (Nope...doesnt matter where)
8. Give a large amount of money away to a person or a charity who really needs it and deserves it.
9. Run the Bobby Crim Race  (Finish the race)
10. Visit Alaska...for a long time period.
11. Take my dad on a Canada fly-in fishing trip.
12. See the Grand canyon
13. Go to a Pistons Game and sit Front row
14. Sit in the middle of 10 different puppies and have them all play on my and lick my face...lol
15. Own a African Grey Parrot

So thats my Top 15. If I can just pick 3 of them to accomplish...and mean this...I would pick these :

Number 9....because I already have it planned I wont count this as my Top 3 but the reason is  because its only me who I can blame if I fail. (But I wont...Fail I mean :) )

Number 4...Because I think we would sound good together.
Number 14...This would make me seriously Happy. :)
Number 11...I have only been on vacation once with my dad and it was when I was in the 7th grade. So this would also make me very happy to do this for him. I think he would like it.

OK so I just spotted one that I have to have on my top 3...sorry Taylor...But Number 8  is going to have to replace you. ..I know what you are saying...."Dad you dont have a Large amount of money to give anyone....and if you did...I am about to graduate college...who is more deserving than me?"  And all I can say to that is......your a solid  4  on my Top 3 List   :)

So there it is...a List of things I wish I can do. That was the easy part. Now ...where do I start?

Starting Over Every Day

I was hesitant about blogging about this topic but I thought...what the heck...its my blog...just do it.
I just didn't want people to think that all I ever talk about is death. Its just that death happens to be a part of life...and being the Ianstein that I am...I have a theory on that. :)

 Most people have experienced a death in their family...usually a grandparent or an Aunt or Uncle...maybe even a mother or father. I have experienced all of them and more. I also lost a nephew and a daughter too. When I lost my nephew Andy in 1991 , it was the most devastating thing to happen to my family. It wasn't like losing my grandfather or my aunt or uncle. And even as tough as each of those deaths were at the time....my nephews seemed harder to cope with.

 Looking back at it all.... I never really thought about what it must have been like for my sister Felice to have gone through losing her child. I was only thinking about myself at the time. and how Andy's death affected me.  Well, until my daughter Timberly past away anyway. And at that point, I felt a bond with my sister that only people who have lost a child can share. I remember people saying to me.,.".I just cant imagine what you are going through"...and they are absolutely right...they cant. Its so different than any of the other loved ones passings. Its almost beyond personal. Its really something that you don't think can or will ever happen to you. And when it does.. its like your inner soul dies along with your child, and the emptiness you feel inside is very real and and cannot be fixed. That emptiness plays havoc on your life for awhile. Nothing....and I mean Nothing seems as important as it once was. Its like you are at Ground Zero in everything that makes you tick. You lose your zest for life. You no longer have the drive you once had. Everything is just DIFFERENT.

As much as I hated it...it seemed that I couldn't do anything about it, but start over. We all cope with death differently and they way I handle death can be (and probably is) much differently that many others.

Once it happens to you and it sinks in that you are never going to be able to see or talk with your child again, (on this earth anyway) you can move on to the next step of healing. It sounds easy...but getting to that realization is not so easy. You see....  it doesnt become a realization until much farther into the greiving process. Not until some time has gone by and that thought of "Never" starts to become more of a reality. Thats when you say to yourself..Oh ok...thats what "never" means.  This period is what I call the "post numbing period"...because you are just numb until you come to this point.

 Once here I started to realize that my life was not ever going to be the same...and since "Never" had a whole new meaning now...I needed to re-evaluate how that affects the rest of my life. Turns out it affected everything. My family, my work, my personal time, my friends...everything. When the order of importance on things change, so does your approach to those things. For example....Once you realize that work is not as important as you once thought it was...it becomes much harder to get there with the zest you had before.  Or once you realize that the argument you are having with your spouse is not that important...you tend to give in and not give a shit no more......(OK bad example...I hate losing any argument), But you know what I mean and who knew it would have had that big of an impact in those areas of my life? But it did.

 So... when I say Starting over...I mean starting over in a positive way. So often in life we put importance on things that...well...are not really that important in the overall scheme of things. For me it was like I woke up one day and my child is gone and she left a note behind for me saying....
 "Hey Dad... Life is to short to not be happy".

So I am starting to do that....emphasis on "starting". I have to remember the proverbial note that my daughter left me on a daily basis. Because life IS to short and we need reminders of that daily.
Luckily for me I have Timberly to remind me everyday that my God gives me choices...and its these choices that I make is what  determines what my impact will be on that day, not only to myself but to others. If I continue to close the world out...I cant have the impact that God wants me to have. And personally...I think God has a very Big plan in store for me. (Yeah...I'm that important )  :)

So each day I will wake knowing that I must start over. And I will not sweat the small stuff, I will not worry about the things that are not important. But what I will do each day is ....SMILE ...not because I have to...but because its the choice I make..... And also because I know that I will see Timberly again one day.  The short life I have here on this earth is nothing in comparison to heavens time. And when you know that....whats not to smile about?

The Everyday Battle

I am not sure what I am feeling like today...I feel a little Hateful and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I wonder what the chances of that happening are? Sometimes I just wanna run and do stuff that is just totally not me. Something that would make people say...Ian did what? But oh no..I just couldn't do that. What would the people say?

Did you ever notice that all you have to choose from is..Good or Evil? Theres no in between part where you can be a little of each of them....a  "Goo-vil " so to speak. We all know that being Evil is not a good title to have. It means you are 1. Morally bad or wrong; wicked: an evil tyrant. 2. Causing ruin, injury, or pain; harmful,  Nobody wants to be that evil. But most people would want to be Goovil if they had the choice I think. I know I would. I would because it seems that being good just isn't that fun. But throw a little evil corruption in and BINGO you have instant fun. Being Goovil would mean that I go to church in the morning and be out partying by noon.
It just seems like being a rebel or going against the grain sometimes is a little more exciting than being predictably good. How boring is that? Not that you cant be spontaneous when your good but when your good "all the time" it becomes predictable spontaneity. And its because your limited to what you can do and still be "Good". Whereas if you throw in just a little Evil...the doors open and then not only do you have some fun, you also rid the label of "goodie two shoes" that you once had before.
I know people are generally good.  But if you had to hang out with peeps for the day...what type of peeps would they be?   Goovil peeps for sure for me.They are bad but never cross the line when they are having fun. But they do make sure they have fun at everything they do. They are the ones who are not afraid to say...Hey...I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

That's what I am feeling like to day.....Cake !!   : )